Because our mothers never told us it was going to be like this. Work Survival Guide (Hints & Tips) : Cannot Be Bothered

Work Survival Guide (Hints & Tips)

Work as Hard as Possible

This may seem shocking and to go against the whole ethos of this site, and to those of you who don’t know where I am going with this one, please bear with me.

In working life it is important to bust you arse, be dedicated, focused, suck up to your boss, stay late if need be, but only for the first couple of weeks. It’s going to be hard, you are probably going to hate it*, but after this period has passed you can rest safe in the knowledge that for the rest of your tenure at whatever job you have settled for, things will only get easier.

Once you have proven yourself over this initial period, you will heave earned a reputation as a hard worker, people will respect you. They should respect you, but they shouldn’t like you, not yet. If you can manage to be polite and courteous but also somewhat alloof. Avoid too much chit chat and remain somewhat distant. Now with the hard working period over you can start cutting back on the work and replace it with getting to know your colleagues a beautiful bit of slight of hand, any attention that may have been aimed at your gradually slipping workrate will instead be towards getting to know the new guy whose started making an effort socially. Even if this doesnt work then you will still have that 2 week period to fall back on. People will assume that you are either having an off patch and will know that you are capable of working to that level again, or that the work you are doing must be a lot more taxing recently. Again, make this transition smooth and gradual, slipping in the odd burst of hard work for a day here and there doesn’t hurt, and you should soon be down to doing the bare minumum to get by.

* My dim view of working life is unwavering, it is my firm belief that the moment you have to do something, it is no longer fun. If anyone reading this is thinking ‘That’s not true, I love my job and look forward to going in each day’, then I say to you that you are not welcome here, this site is not for you, the only satisfaction I can take is in the knowledge that you have wasted some of your precious your fun-earned time off on this here. Idiots.

Plan Your Day

Manage your breaks around your toilet breaks – always make sure that you have timed your breaks from work so you never find yourself needing to visit the lavatory during one. Toilet allowances are timed into your day, utilize them on the clock, to lose some precious break time for this activity is foolish.

Stay Late

In this bizarre, unjust world we live in, where jobs are mainly paid by the hour rather than on performance, a measuring stick that is often used is how much later than your normal working hours you are willing to stay. In my current job I am capable of doing 21 cases in a day, however, someone who does around 3 a day and stays an hour after work is heralded as a hero, and a better worker than I am (those are real numbers and this is the reality of my magical workplace).

So as often is the case on here, we just need to play them at their own game, use their limited powers of judgement against them…

Pick a day every now and then that you don’t have to do much that evening and stay fifteen minutes late. Spend that fifteen minutes doing something you’ve been meaning to do at home, write that complaint letter, phone up about your electric bill, or simply just stare at your desk. As long as you are walking out a noticeable am mount of time after everyone else then you will be able to top up your reputation/lie as a dedicated member of the team whilst taking care of some odd job you have been putting off doing at home

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