Work Excuses

Work Excuses

January 4, 2010 in Slider, Work Excuses Leave a reply

Why Calling in Sick is OK:^

Maybe its because I am a very suspicious person, but I rarely believe anyone when they say they were ill. Unless I can visibly see their ailment or pain they are in, I’m not convinced. We’ve all done it, whether it be exaggerating an illness or flat out lying, sick days are expected, and in my opinion to be encouraged.

When you consider how many sick days you are allowed to have over the course of the year, it is obvious that you’d have to be terribly unlucky to genuinely be taken ill that much, and I’m certain your job doesn’t give you enough holiday time, taking a few sick days as holiday just makes sense.

Now I’m not a totally awful person, my level of sick days represents the job and the people I am working for at the time, I happen to think it is an excellent form of job satisfaction feedback: Treat me like crap, and I’ll behave like crap.

I have had the misfortune to have some pretty soul-destroying jobs in my time, I spent over 2 years working in call centres. Dark days. Through this I now know that taking sick days is simply a necessity to keep you sane. As far as I was concerned, each time I was off sick I was doing them a favour by holding off the shooting that would have come about if I’d been there every working day of the year.

So what I am saying is that you are doing everyone a favour by taking the odd day off.

How to Execute a Successful Sick Day:^

Through spending years at western sweatshops I have managed to pick up a lot of useful buzz words and phrases, many of which apply here, no more so than:

Perfect Planning Prevents Pathetic Performance

If you have the foresight to plan a day off, make sure that you start dropping hints of the excuse developing in the days or weeks leading up to the event. It may sound simple, but it is extremely effective. Nine times out of ten when someone hears that a colleague is off sick, the first thing they will say is: ‘They did say yesterday they weren’t feeling well’.

An easy, fast path to credibility.

Don’t trust anyone

If you get a call or texts from friends at work asking where you are, don’t tale the bait, tell them you are ill. Just because you are lying on the sofa watching This Morning while they are toiling away without you, there is no need to gloat. It goes without saying to never text colleagues bragging about not coming in, it is just too risky. This is akin to becoming a serial killer and leaving notes for the police, its reckless and unnecessary, just be happy with the kill(day off). One comment from them to another colleague at slightly the wrong volume could ruin all your sick-day’s hard earned believability.

Follow through

Some people think that after the day(s) off then they are home free, that they can get back to normal and forget about the fake reason, I think that this is limited and short-sighted thinking.

A really nice tip is that if you have gone out with colleagues say you really shouldn’t drink because of the medication you are on, this can also provide an excuse to leave early or not go at all (see section on social occasions) whilst bolstering the believability of your illness.

Know your rights.

Be sure to check your employer’s policies regarding absence, this could save you a lot of hassle in the future.

For instance, I discovered that I had been behaving like a fool when I found out that my performance at a call centre was marked on sickness ‘instances’ and I had always assumed an instance was a day. When I found out that an instance could be any number of days in a row I couldn’t believe my luck! Safe to say that what had previously been the odd day off, became the odd three days, with no extra ramifications!

I later found out that if we were to have too many days off sick them we would be put on a training plan, 3 of these and you can be fired. Oh dear I thought, this could be the end of the road. However, it then became apparent that after 3 months had passed the slate was wiped clean and you could start all over again!

They actually offered this information up to us, they really didn’t make it very easy to come in.

No-one Believes You

When pulling a sickie it is important to remember that all of your colleagues and bosses will automatically jump to the same conclusion that you are lying. With this in mind it can really take away some of the strain of coming up with an excuse.

I remember when I was working at a call center I wouls spend hours agonising over an incredible excuse I was concuting. I was a details man, I would drop comments to my boss through the previous week to help make the excuse a little more believable.

First the phonecall on the day, if I was ill I would lay down on my bed before dialing (a classic maneuver to make you sound weary. I always steered clear from using the sickly voice however, I feel like that has been overused now, it has become a joke. Instead I would actually attempt to sound upbeat, it was my assertion that the operator would be expecting the usual ’sick’ voice and by sounding normal it would instantly catch them off guard and provide a nifty double bluff to make them think I must have been really sick.

I will always remember the first time I phoned up, I was greeted with ‘are you calling about lateness or sickness?’, to which I would respond with ’sickness’ or ‘neither’(if I was feeling particularly sassy and had come up with a cracking non illness related excuse). At this stage I was be getting amped up to deliver my flawless monologue that I had rehearsed when they would say ‘how long will you be off for?’ to which I would usually say: ‘hopefully just today’ and they would say ‘o.k. We’ll let your line manager know, goodbye’. That was it, no excuse needed, no tests, nothing. On one hand I was happy that they would let me off so easily, but on the other I was disappointed that I didn’t get a chance to showcase my acting skills by delivering a scintillating excuse.

It was in the ‘Back-to-work’ interview that you would need to showcase the acting abilities, where you would have to sit down with my team leader and explain the cause for your absence. It was in one of these that a friend of mine once delivered a breathtaking excuse; a convoluted and frankly bizarre story about a friend falling and hurting her wrist and him having to take her to the hospital with many twists and false endings. It was a ridiculous excuse, but so absurd that I think it was actually pretty believable. After he’d delivered his brilliant finish the team leader just looked at him and said: ‘I’ll just put down headache shall I?’

The point I am trying to make with this example is that when pulling a sickie it is important to remember that all of your colleagues and bosses will automatically jump to the same conclusion; that you are lying. With this in mind it can really take away some of the strain of coming up with an excuse, just take relax, and give it your best shot.

Sick Day Excuse List^

Leaving Work Early^

Leaving Work Early Excuse List^

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January 11, 2010

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